


delete thiS

by sclerant (rufusrant)



Series: maraudercide [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Fic, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everybody Dies, Gen, Homiecide, I hate you all, M/M, MWPP, Murder, Purposely Bad Fic, Severus Snape Has a Bazooka, hahaha, murder at Hogwarts, no chill, well everybody but one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 07:34:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15625851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufusrant/pseuds/sclerant
Summary: The Marauders and Lily and Snape try to kill each other





	delete thiS

**Author's Note:**

> very unecessary ending. 
> 
> This is a joke, don't take this too seriously XD

**James POV**

The author brings us back from the dead to write this shit series. They have given me Hagrid's crossbow, saying that I've stolen it while he was asleep-

**Remus POV**

"James, who are you talking to?" I ask, carding through my sandy brown hair-

**Sirius POV**

"hUh?" I ask, flipping my gorgeous ebony black hair while my steel grey eyes glint-

**Peter POV**

"wHAT'S GOING ON??" I scream. I look at the backs of my hands. They are whole again and free from rabies. I touch my nose, previously shot off by Remus' gun in [ the previous fic. ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15164888) It is unharmed-

**Lily POV**

"Why am I here?" I ask, combing through my red hair-

**Snape POV**

"Oi, why am I the only person who is referred to their last name in that POV thing?" I ask, disgruntled. Also why the fuck is everybody touching their hair-

**Sirius POV**

"Shut up, Snape."

**Remus POV**

"Yeah, you tell 'im, honey!"

**Snape POV**

"My name is _Severus_ , Wolfstar!" I whip out my bazooka, aiming it at Wolfstar. Then I fire. Potter and Lily gape. And uh... so does the fat one.

**Wolfstar POV**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" WE BURN!1!1!1!1!1!!1!!1111

**Snape POV**

“Wolfstar goes down! MUAHAHAHA”

**Lily POV**

“Oh Merlin, Sev! You’ve killed them!” I scream.

**Peter POV**

“Well isn’t that peachy! One of us might actually get to be the last one standing now!” I say.

**Lily POV**

“What do you mean, Peter?”

**Peter POV**

“Haven’t you noticed that in this god-awful series, James always dies first, because I kill him-”

**James POV**

“Hey!”

**Peter POV**

“-and then I get creamed by Wolfstar-”

**James POV**

“Wait. What’s a Wolfstar?”

**Peter POV**

“-aND THEN Wolfstar finish each other off.”

**Lily POV**

“No, I just got here!” I say. What is going on?

**Snape POV**

“Black and Lupin have been sleeping with each other since Merlin-knows-when,” I say icily. “Are you that _unobservant_ , Potter?”

**Dead Wolfstar POV**

“We can hear you!”

**Lily POV**

My green emerald eyes snap into attention and I finally realise what’s going on. _“You lot have been trying to kill each other!” _

**Snape POV**

“Of _bloody_ course they have been, Lily!” I say, pained. “These no-good Gryffindors know nothing but destruction-”

**James POV**

No-good Gryffindors? I hate the sound of that. I aim my crossbow and fire.

_ThOOOOM!_

Shoot, I missed. The arrow pierces one of them crimson armchairs.

**Snape POV**

I quickly scatter out of the way. I eye Potter with a look. "What the _fuck,_ Potter!"

**James POV**

" _All Gryffindors_ ," I seethe, loading another arrow, " _are QUEENS!_ "

**Snape POV**

" _If they breathe_ ," I seethe back, loading up my bazooka, " _they're a tHOOOOOOOOOOOOT!_ "

**Peter POV**

James fires his arrows and Snape shoots whatver it is that comes out of bazookas and they miss each other. The common room, however, gets contiunally destroyed. I take Lily's hand and pull her aside. 

**Lily POV**

Dust swarms everywhere, so thick that I can't see James or Sev and Remus and Sirius- Wolfstar? Wolfstar's corpses. Peter has grabbed my hand and is pulling me to crouch under a table. I whip out my wand. 

" _Reducto!_ " I shout, as a piece of flaming (literally) red upholstery comes flying in our direction. It explodes into pieces and hammers Sev right in the head. He falls to the floor. I gasp and get up to run over.

**James POV**

What's she doing? whAT the fUCK. She's touching the oily hair of that git. Oh Merlin, bits of that sofa are stuck in there. Gross.

"Evans! Move!" I shout, grabbing three arrows at once and loading them. 

**Lily POV**

I point my wand in between his eyes. " _You bloody menace_ ," I seethe. "He's my friend!" 

Perhaps I'm a little scared of his arrows- after all, I am standing right in front of him- 

**James POV**

"Evans, don't you see?" I plead. My arms are hurting from holding this heavy bow. "He said _all_ Gryffindors are thots!"

**Lily POV**

"I don't understand the meaning of that word!"

**James POV**

"It means hoes!"

**Lily POV**

My eyes widen in shock and horror. I look at him in shock. I am in so much shock, my wand drops to my side. 

"Sev! Is that true?"

**Snape POV**

"You're different!" I say quickly. Merlin, I'll never get to bang her now. I grab my bazooka and aim it as Potter. "This motherfucker, however-"

**James POV**

"Oh please, you can't kill me!" I say, running a somehow free hand through my hot messy hair. "I'm a bad bitch!"

I look at Evans, who is swinging her wand, once at me, the next at Snivellus, having doubts about who to hex.

**Lily POV**

Oh Merlin-

**Snape POV**

I fire my bazooka. Potter dodges and runs as the projectile I fired explodes into the wall behind him. 

**James POV**

"Hahahaha!" I laugh. "I told you I was invincibl-"

**Lily POV**

Potter drops dead. Out of the dust emerges a deathly pale figure with ebony black hair all over his face, obscuring his eyes. Oh shit, it's.... _Sirius??_

**Sirius POV**

"Take that, you oily git!" I laugh, as his stupid body drops to the floor, blood leaking out of his throat which I have just slit.

Then his hand suddenly drops, and a _crossbow_ hits my feet. His head lolls and I see the glint of _glasses_. OH FUCK I KILLED JAMES-

**Lily POV**

"Sirius, what the fuck!" I yell! "You just killed your best friend!"

Sirius has a dagger in his hand, and Potter has a huge bloody slit in his throat. 

**Sirius POV**

"No, no, NOOOOOO!!!!!" I screech, "No James, don't be dead, I thought you were Snape, _oh James!"_ I cradle his head. The slit is so deep that his head snaps off in my hands. I scream and so does Lily, who gags. I can hear Snape gagging as well.

**Snape POV**

I throw up all over this Gryffindor carpet. 

**Sirius POV**

I hope Remus doesn't see me like this.

**Remus POV**

I come back from the dead. I see James' head (literally) in Sirius' blood stained hands. I gag and throw up. Sirius turns and sees me, alarmed-

**Lily POV**

"Wait wait wait," I say, my brain kicking into gear. I point at Wolfstar. " _Didn't you two die_??"

**Sirius POV**

"That's just what the books want you to think!" I say, tears pouring out of my eyes. 

**Remus POV**

_"_ This is a _crack fic_ , Lils," I say expositorily. "Logic doesn't exist here, and in the Harry Potter fandom, neither does canon."

**Lily POV**

"hUH? What the-who's Harry Potter?"

**Remus POV**

"Hell if I know! Right now is the MWPP era!" I cock my trusty ol' revolver and aim it at Snape. " _You're goin' down!_ "

**Snape POV**

The werewolf has a gun in my face. I smirk and aim my bazooka in his face as well. "You first!"

**Remus POV**

Suddenly, there is a shout of " _Avada Kedavra_ ". Snape drops dead, bazooka at his feet. I am stunned. I look behind me and see _Peter_ , tears lining his cheeks and his wand in his hand. 

"Holy shit! Peter!" I yell, having completely forgotten about his existence for who-knows-how-many-lines. 

**Peter POV**

I am so sick of you all writing me out of Marauder fics. I am valid, dammit!

"I hate you all!" I scream!

**Sirius POV**

I flip my gorgeous hair again. Peter looks angry. "Why? Because people like us better than you? Honestly, Pete-" 

Peter shoots another killing curse. It narrowly misses me, and strikes an armchair behind us instead. I sit back up in shock, brandishing my dagger. 

"Oh, honestly!"

**Peter POV**

Remus' revolver barrel is on my temple. "What are you playing at, Petey?" he asks. "You hate us all, do you-"

He gasps when I stick my wand against his chest. " _Yes,_ " I seethe. " _All of you can go to hell_ -"

**Remus POV**

Another shout of the Killing Curse. The green light is so close to me, that I freeze. But I do not topple, and the light remains in my eyes. Peter, however, drops face-down onto the dusty carpet. I look up and I see Lily, her wand out. She is shaking. I see how this is going to be. 

**Lily POV**

Sirius and Remus both take out their wands and stand opposite me. 

"Evans," says Sirius, slowly. "Put down your wand."

"You put down yours!" I shout back. 

"No, just lower it," says Remus calmly. His head turns to the portrait hole with actual multiple holes in it. "And then run."

I sneak a quick glance of James and his detatched head, and Sev's corpse. Sev's wand has fallen out of his robes. I bend down, arms up.

**Sirius POV**

She's actually doing it. She bends down, hovering her own wand just above the debris of carpet, and-

SHE PICKS UP ANOTHER WAND AND AIMS BOTH-

" _AVADA KEDAVRA!_ "

**Wolfstar POV**

Dead.

**Lily POV**

As I stare at their four bodies, my red hair somehow fluttering despite the closed windows, I realise that it is-

The End. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> *finger guns the entire fandom*


End file.
